As soon as I sit down to meditate, my reflex is to resist. This routine reflex has been even more pronounced over the past couple of days. I coax myself with what I think will be a soothing mantra: sat, chit, ananda. No go. I pacify myself, talk to myself as if I were a small child: It's okay. You can do it. Try again. I try a new mantra: at ease, at ease, at ease. Meditation is self-reflection without the questions. At least, during the meditation, I do not ask the questions. But now, after it's over, the questions multiply in geometric progression.
- Why the extra level of resistance now?
- Where does it come from?
- What am I trying to tell myself?
- Where do I even begin?
- What is that vapor of emotion and why can't I figure out what it is?
- Why am I a mystery to myself?
- Will this meditation thing help me resolve the mystery of me?
If only meditation provided a few answers. It doesn't, at least for today it doesn't.
Instead of answers, I'm left with more questions.
8. How will I learn to be at peace with more questions?